Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. Im writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast and stick it out the window. The harmonica sounds ?amazing.?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.