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| Title | Excerpt |
|---|---|
| Those are my principles. |
Those are my principles. If you dont like them I have others. |
| The only thing worse |
The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook and what you wear. |
| People |
|
| If it weren't for electricity! |
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." |
| Organized crime in America |
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. |
| Every man wants a |
Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side his nobler instincts and his higher nature - and another woman to help him forget them. |
| What if everything is |
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet. |
| Room service? Send up |
Room service? Send up a larger room. |
| Democracy means that anyone |
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesnt grow up can be vice president. |
| The difference between divorce |
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. |
| To me age... |
To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. |
| A tree never hits |
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense. |
| unspecified |
The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still needs mowing. |
| Give a man a |
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. |
| An archaeologist is the |
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. |
| Politics is supposed to |
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. |
| A thing that has |
A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume a pound of sachet powder an evil-smelling lip rouge a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar. |
| Always go to other |
Always go to other peoples funerals otherwise they wont come to yours. |
| I recently read that |
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. |
| I tended to place |
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. |
| Give me a one-handed |
Give me a one-handed economist! All my economists say on one hand ... on the other. |
| Will Rogers |
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat! |
| When I was in |
When I was in school I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. |
| unspecified |
The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still needs mowing. |
| If at first you |
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. |
