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Title Excerpt
Those are my principles.

Those are my principles. If you dont like them I have others.
The only thing worse

The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook and what you wear.
Every man wants a

Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side his nobler instincts and his higher nature - and another woman to help him forget them.
Organized crime in America

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
If it weren't for electricity!

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
The difference between divorce

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What if everything is

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
A tree never hits

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.
Give a man a

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
An archaeologist is the

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
I tended to place

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I recently read that

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
To me age...

To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Give me a one-handed

Give me a one-handed economist! All my economists say on one hand ... on the other.
A thing that has

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume a pound of sachet powder an evil-smelling lip rouge a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.
I am not just

I am not just another notch on your belt? she asked him. Of course not. he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.
When I was in

When I was in school I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Democracy means that anyone

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesnt grow up can be vice president.
People

 

 
Room service? Send up

Room service? Send up a larger room.
It is better to

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
unspecified

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still needs mowing.
Always go to other

Always go to other peoples funerals otherwise they wont come to yours.
Politics is supposed to

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
If at first you

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.